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How to Relieve Stress and Tackle Your Goals
My heart is racing, there is a tightness in my chest, my brain is screaming, “You’re never going to get everything done!” At least once a week, I have an episode of anxiety, followed by stress.
I get anxious about everything: my kids’ school project, an upcoming meeting with my boss, finances, going to a party with new people, my “To Do” list, teaching an unfamiliar topic, an interview, a presentation, and just about anything new in life. Over the years I have learned ways to minimize these feelings and get a grip.
Sound familiar? Stress is actually the result of anxiety. They are not the same thing, although typically used interchangeably.
ANXIETY is a feeling of nervousness or unease over an unknown outcome. It is a result of our brain thinking, “I don’t know what is going to happen.”
STRESS is a feeling of tension in the body, which is actually similar to excitement. Stress is only a problem if you think it is a problem. It is like working out, it makes you stronger. Here’s a thought: “Stress does not kill people; their negative thoughts about the circumstances in their life does.”
Stress is really not as bad as people make it out to be. It means we have meaning in our lives. Think about people who retire. Many of them become depressed and struggle with what to do next. This is because they have no more goals to work towards, eliminating the stress and meaning in their lives.
My goal with this post is not to help you get rid of stress, because let’s face it, you are a go getter and stress is just par for the course. Rather, I want to share with you strategies I use to lean into the stress and treat it as a friend. Yes, I said friend.
Stress is your friend
Stress does not need to be your enemy. It is what helps keep us alive. It tells us that we care and are passionate about things. If we did not feel stress, then life would be so dull.
I will go as far as to say that if you’re not feeling stress in your life, then you aren’t pushing yourself hard enough or out of your comfort zone. Yep, I said it. You need stress to feel alive.
For example, we put stress on ourselves when we want to level up and go for a promotion, change careers, try a new sport, sign up for our first half marathon, start a business.
I know what you’re thinking. “But Barbara, people say that stress kills. How can it be a good thing?”
Like most people, there are seasons in our lives that bring on more stress and anxiety. But like a muscle, stress really does make our mental stamina stronger. I have learned how to manage my stress so much better over the years. I used to make stress mean that something has gone wrong or that there is something wrong with me, which is not true at all.
As a full-time working mom (I will start using FTWM for short) who is multi-passionate, stress is inevitable. In fact, I would even argue that I like stress. Stress is just tension in our bodies that means we are pushing ourselves and care about the results.
Now onto the good stuff.
**Warning: I am not a stress and anxiety expert. These tips will help, but stress will remain a factor in your life forever…sorry, it’s just the truth. But that doesn’t mean you can’t mitigate the problem.
Why does stress exist?
You are an educated and intelligent woman. But, sometimes even our intelligence fails us. We forget that we all have primal instincts. Our frontal lobe (prefrontal cortex), our “rational brain,” is not always in control. When we experience stress and anxiety it is just our primal brain (I call it my “dog brain”) trying to keep us alive! For super nerds, many smart people on Google call it the “lizard brain,” because the limbic cortex is about all a lizard has to help it survive.
So what does all of this have to do with you and your stress? Everything. I won’t go into great detail, but as humans, many of us have gotten pretty used to a comfortable lifestyle, with no real dangers to worry about. Our great, great ancestors (think cavemen) feared being eaten by a wild animal or starvation on a regular basis. Now, all we have to fear is work deadlines and making sure our kids have a fantastic Pinterest-worthy birthday party.
I am certainly not saying that people don’t have problems or stressful situations anymore, but it is helpful to know that when we feel stressed, it is a chemical reaction in our limbic system that is just trying to keep us alive.
“When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time.” – Byron Katie
Read her book, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life
Name your feelings
Not to get super woo woo on you or anything, but I find the practice of “naming my feelings” to help lighten the overwhelming pressure that anxiety has on me.
The next time you feel a tightness in your chest or you are short of breath (related to stress, not an actual emergency) say to Stress:
“Hello Stress. I see you and feel you. Thanks for visiting today. I know you are just trying to protect me. I am not actually in danger, but you are welcome to come along for the ride.”
Stress is an emotion which is spurred on by our thoughts. If you did not care about your job or your kids, then you would not feel stressed at all! It is crazy to think about it this way, but it is so true.
If you can learn to accept your stress, then you will be more likely to stop reaching for external things to dull the feelings. That is how addictions start. We reach for the food (I am an emotional eater) or alcohol. These things make us feel better momentarily, but the stress will come back inevitably. It is in our DNA.
If you’re like me, you get what I’m saying about stress theoretically, but you still want some practical advice on how to get it under control. So here they are:
Be the boss of your calendar
One way to do this is to be the boss of your calendar. For me, it is the “unknown” that causes me to have thoughts of worry, which leads to the feeling of stress.
On Sundays I plan out my week in the Day Designer planner I picked up from Walmart. I like it because it is simple and compact enough to fit in my backpack purse. Yep, I still wear a backpack and I’m proud of it.
Here is how I plan:
Make a “must do list” for the week in the categories of family, work, and your passion (for me it is my blog)
I cross off anything on my list that I really don’t want to do or is not actually important (like paint my bathroom…you know who you are).
Then, I put all of the remaining items on one of the days of the week. I like this calendar because it has a “Today’s Top Three” list at the top of each day.
Once everything on my list is on the calendar, I throw the list away!
The idea is when something is actually ON your calendar, like an appointment with yourself, then you are more likely to accomplish the tasks.
When I can eliminate the clutter from my mind about what I need to do for the week, then I feel a sense of relief because I know those things on my list will get done. The key is to list no more than 3 “must dos” on your calendar per day.
The “bookend strategy” (morning and evening routine)
“If you win the morning, you win the day. If you win the day, you win the week…”
I believe Tim Farris, who wrote The Four Hour Workweek, re-quoted this from somewhere. You get the idea.
As FTWMs we have very little time for ourselves, let alone our passions. So the quote above rings true for us more than anyone. I have become religious about my morning and evening routines, which I call the “bookend strategy.”
My morning routine:
- Wake up between 5:30am and 6am (depends how tired I am)
- 10 minutes of stretching, meditation and prayer
- 10 minutes of bullet journaling and gratitude practice
- 20 minutes of reading
- Write 500 words for my current blog post (30-40 minutes)
- 20 minutes of cardio on the treadmill while learning something on YouTube or listening to my latest audiobook on Audible. (Right now it is The One Thing by Gary Keller)
- 20 push-ups
- 20 sit-ups
That is pretty much it. If I don’t do all of the things I listed, I do not beat myself up over it. The point is that this is strictly me time, or as I tell my children, “Mommy Time.” Whatever I do, it is just for me and brings me serenity and joy before starting a day of doing what everyone else wants me to do for them.
My evening routine:
My evening routine is much looser than my morning routine. I don’t try to fight fatigue. After putting my kids to bed, I allow myself at least an hour to unwind and decompress. Since my goal is to build up my blog in the pockets of my time, I try to do a little work on that. However, it is usually the fun stuff, like watch a video on “email marketing” or find an image for my next blog post, while watching “Schitt’s Creek” (love that show). The hardest thing for me is to go to bed by 10pm, but if I want to win the morning, then I force myself to lull off at that time.
Boundaries
Much of my stress in the past was caused because I overloaded my plate. I said yes to too many work projects, kids events, and so on. I was overwhelmed and exhausted. If you want to feel more in control of your life and reduce stress, then you need to set up boundaries.
“Learn to say no!”
It is not rude to say no. You can say it in a nice way. “No, I am not available this weekend. Our family has plans.” Even if your plan is to do laundry and take a long walk.
Before you start saying “no” to everything, make sure you prioritize what is important to you. If the request does not fit into those categories, then it is a “No, thank you.”
As a recovering “people pleaser” saying no to things is hard for me, but it is getting easier. As a teacher, I get invited to social events, work related and non work related all the time. I used to go to every single work function and drag my husband along with me, while he was kicking and screaming. Even if we both did not want to go, I felt a sense of obligation. Like I was going to disappoint people or it would make me look like I was not part of the team. The truth – nobody really cares as much as you think they do. So, I am just “busy with my family” now most of the time. It feels so much better to be authentically me and not try to please others all the time.
Some final quick tips to reduce stress:
- ASK for help! My husband and I are a team. Since I am a FTWM we split the duties of taking care of the kids and household. This is a non-negotiable.
- Eat well and drink lots of water! Reduce your sugar and flour intake as much as possible to limit insulin spikes. Drink half your body weight in ounces of water each day. You will just feel better overall.
- Exercise and breathe! There is a noticeable difference in my mood and stress level on the days that I exercise vs. the days I don’t. Do something, anything that will break a sweat for a minimum of 20 minutes. If you don’t have 20 minutes, you don’t have a life.
- Laugh and play. As a goal oriented, FTWM, I get pretty serious about my goals. Sometimes too much. I intentionally take the edge off by binging on comedy shows on Netflix or playing silly games with my kids.
- “Let…it…go…Elsa!” Stop trying to be perfect. Just do your best and let everything else go. So you didn’t get everything done on your list today? Let it go! You ate a cupcake at work? Let it go, there’s always tomorrow. Give yourself a break and everyone else around you too.
- Focus on small tasks in chunks, rather than the whole elephant! When you have a big goal, then start with the finish line and move backwards. Want to run a half marathon, but you are not a runner…yet? Start with “Jog for 20 minutes,” each week, then increase it to 30, 40, 50 minutes. My goal is one blog post per week. So my mini goal each day is to write 500 crappy words. Sometimes I only write 300 words, but the point is, I wrote 300 more words than I did the day before, which means I am that much closer to my goal!
